So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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