I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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