just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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