Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
