So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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