have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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