i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dick very happy bro
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
