??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
sarcasm needs its own font
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
