I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
