I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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