ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
