I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
