as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
