I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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