i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
