She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
