well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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