I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
