Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
