What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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