I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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