My nipple is on Facebook.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
