there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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