So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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