if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
