I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
