I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
