So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
