i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
