My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I touched a dick in church today
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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