I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
