Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
we're so committed to being not committed
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