We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
