I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
