I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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