the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
