im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
