1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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