Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
