its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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