it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
did i walk over a car last night?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
