Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
