Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
