My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
