my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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