This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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