he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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