I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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