could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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