woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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